It is the year 2000, and I have been asked to lead a discussion about “Honesty” in my new community. I am the new girl. I want them to see me as dedicated, interesting, and smart. I hope to make new friends and influence people. I research what others in the community have said about honesty and think hard about what it means to me. 

On the day of the talk, I stand in front of the filled room. I tell a story, I share my research, then I ask a question. 

“How many of you have answered ‘Fine’ when someone asks, ‘How are you’?”

Most of the hands go up. 

“Were you actually ‘fine’?”

Extended silence. 

We then start a spirited debate about whether it is honest to answer “Fine” if we don’t actually feel fine. Some people reflect on the benefits of answering with candor. Many people are alarmed and talk about the awkwardness and impossibility of straying from a cultural ritual of conversation. I stand firm in my belief that speaking the truth about how we are doing is better than glossing over a potentially tough subject. 

 

I’m quite sure I did not win friends or influence people on that day with my controversial stance, but I came from an honest place: I hated small talk. Sometimes, I still do. Why perform empty rituals of repetitive phrases? Why not jump to what really matters? And start from the conversation place that feels more fun and comfortable (to me)?

Now, after years of working with clients on leadership communication, training with the NeuroLeadership Institute, and growing up a bit, I’ve changed my hard-edged stance. Yes, I feel awkward in the first moments of communication, but I no longer believe that conversation niceties should be eliminated in favor of deep truths. All. The. Time.  

 

I see now that our brains need these light phrases even though it might seem nothing is communicated. 

 

In reality, when we are talking about being “fine” or asking about the weather or sports or current events, we’re asking and answering much deeper questions. 

• Can I understand you?

• Am I safe here?

• What’s in this for me?

 

Though our small talk phrases may be trite, we exchange information through facial expressions, vocal tone, and body motions. A lot of information.

There is a statistic I’ve heard quoted frequently: the 55/38/7 “rule” of spoken communication. It states that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is vocal inflection, and 7% is the words we say. It seems that a shocking 93% of what we communicate is not through our words but through our non-verbal communication.

This is very catchy and speaks some truth to our experience: non-verbal cues are very important. 

The problem with these numbers is that the original researcher, Dr. Albert Mehrabian, wasn’t exploring all spoken communication. He specifically asked how we interpret communication when someone’s words and body language do not match. 

So, when a friend answers, “I’m fine,” with slumped shoulders, half-closed eyes, and a muted vocal tone, his research showed that we should 93% trust what the body is saying, and only 7% trust the words. 

There isn’t research yet that has set a clear ratio of verbal content to non-verbal importance in everyday communication, but we don’t need a well-researched number to know it is important. 

I describe this innate knowing of non-verbals in my book, “Speakership is Leadership.”

 

Do any of these scenarios feel familiar to you?

• You hear your coworker walking in the hall and sense they are angry from their quicker pace and heavier steps.

• You walk in the door after work, your roommate glances at you and says, “Well, someone had a good day!”

• You’re in an auditorium, and seeing how the comedian walks out on stage excites you for the evening ahead, yet they haven’t spoken.

Do you see communication happening before the words start? Do you see how bodies and communication are interconnected? Our body is the antenna that picks up signals from others and broadcasts our message to our listeners.

 

In flowing, body-language-aligned communication, there isn’t a set percentage between content and non-verbal communication. I believe it is in constant flux, but especially important at the start of a conversation. 

Important because there is a different ratio in action: The brain takes up 20% of our energy but only comprises 2% of our body weight. It is our most “expensive” body part.

Paying attention is costly from an evolutionary perspective. These days, food calories are easy to come by, but our nervous system doesn’t know that. Our brain consistently asks, “Is this thing in front of me worth paying attention to?”

Before exploring calorically expensive topics about whether you and I are actually “Fine,” we need answers to our three questions. 

 

• Can I understand you?

When I was a head coach at TEDxBoulder, we gave one instruction to every speaker when they started their talk: say a throwaway line. 

These throwaway lines could be as simple as “I’m excited to finally be here,” “What a beautiful autumn evening,” or “Hello to mom and dad out there!”  It literally didn’t matter what they said; they just needed to get their voices out into the room.

The purpose was two-fold. First, it helped the videographers to coordinate the sound and video in their editing process. But more important, it gave the audience a moment to adjust their brains to each speaker’s vocal tone and accent. 

Most speakers were from the accent-light western United States and native English speakers, but every one of us has our own fingerprint of speech patterns and voice inflection. The more familiar a voice is, the more understandable the speech is.  

At the start of a conversation, when we engage in small talk about seasons, or pets, or travel, we’re ensuring that the rest of the conversation will be better understood. 

 

• Am I safe here? 

 

Our brains are built to look for danger more quickly than settle into safety. This was a great strategy for thousands of years to avoid physical danger, but in these times, all that energy is now focused on finding possible threats in social settings. 

We send messages through our tone, posture, and gestures, even if we are talking about vacations, meals, or cars. 

Here are some messages of safety we can send with our non-verbals:

Keeping an appropriate distance: “I understand social boundaries and respect your safe space. I’m not aggressive or trying to threaten you.”

Relaxing and opening shoulder posture: “I’m not preparing to run or fight. I’m safe and relaxed here, and I don’t need to protect my vital organs. You can relax, too.” 

Using natural hand gestures: “I’m not holding anything threatening or hiding anything, and I want to help you understand me by emphasizing words with my hands.”

Keeping eye contact: “I don’t need to check for danger in the environment around me. I can give all my attention to you.”

While we share easily about Fido, or recent car troubles, or incoming rain, we’re actually sending a bigger message of, “You can relax here with me.”

 

• What’s in this for me?

Early in my studies and practice of public speaking coaching, I attended a workshop led by a Toastmaster’s World Champion. In the filled-to-capacity room, he asked us to stand, make a “thumbs-up” shape with our hands, and then point both of those hands to our chest. 

“This is your audience’s attitude the whole time you are speaking. They are asking, ‘What’s in this for me?’”

Our small talk and non-verbal cues can answer these questions for our hungry brains:

“Does this person respond appropriately?”

“Does this person seem to have empathy?”

“Are they funny, interesting, or have valuable information for me?”

“Is the timing of our conversation socially appropriate?”

“Is this person aware of their surroundings?”

“Does this person ask me questions?”

“Is this person cued into what is important to me?”

 

We can begin to set all these questions at ease as we exchange a few phrases of small talk. 

Whether we are in the first three awkward minutes of every virtual meeting, stumbling through the bumbling first sentences when we’re networking, or reacquainting ourselves with the introverted cousin at the Thanksgiving gathering, we can build trust, understanding, and value into the rest of our conversations if we start with a few lines of small talk.

Even if what you actually want to talk about is what is going on and how you are feeling.

Honestly.